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Remembering Brother Barry Wood, '61 Michigan Delta Chi

Barry Wood was a prominent member of the Michigan Delta Chi fraternity in the later 1950’s and early 1960’s. He was always a character in good humor, a leader, and just a good sport. I lost track of him over the years, but renewed our friendship when taking part in the fundraising for the new fraternity house. We visited him several times over the past 5 years and came to appreciate his humor even more. In March we visited his wife, Barbara, in Cocoa Beach, FL,  where they had retired. I was commenting on the fact that there was no really good obituary that was available on line or using Google on Barry. She then told me that Barry had told Barbara while he was alive that he had indeed prepared an obituary that he wanted read at his funeral. He had written it in 1992 and filed it away, only making a minor update when he married Barbara in May 2000. Barbara asked the priest if it could read at the funeral and he agreed. The following was read by a friend of his from Mt. Dora, FL where he had previously lived I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. The newspaper article entitled “Former Mayor Dies at 78” which was from the Ukiah Daily Journal in Ukiah, CA on October 28, 2017 is also included. Which one do you like?

Submitted by Keith Hellems, 58-62 Michigan Delta Chi

      

OBITUARY OF BARRY WOOD
1939-2017

Word has been received locally of the death of Barry Wood who was loved and is mourned by all mankind. He posthumously asserts that if he were found dead wearing underwear, they were a plant.

Having failed in his goal of becoming a Zamboni driver, Mr. Wood practiced law in Mendocino County for over 30 years, retiring at age 60 and returning to his ancestral home in Pennsylvania on moral grounds after Ukiah approved a Wal-Mart store. He is remembered locally as a City Councilman and Mayor whose views on urban planning and economic growth in the Ukiah Valley in the 1970’s once again proved that a prophet is never recognized in his lifetime. He thought about running for office again in the late 90’s on a campaign of; “See, I told you so!” He unfailingly referred to America as a third world country, raped and plundered by corporations which controlled the best Congress that money could buy. He regarded the occupancy of the White House after 2000 as the Nazi era.

Mr. Wood taught armed rebellion for many years at Mendocino College and Central Texas College, carefully disguising his classes as either business law, economics or criminal justice. A graduate of the Universities of Michigan and California, he may or may not have rented a gown and participated in a commencement at Stanford.

He was twice married, his first wife patiently putting up with all his good and bad ideas while giving him two wonderful sons before her death. His second wife was the only Republican he ever tolerated and an exception to the rule that all Republicans must be either 1. Very rich 2. Totally clueless.

He also regarded everyone who owned a firearm as “some kind of criminal” and instinctively recognized that there was a special place in Hell for those who owned a snowmobile, trail bike, leaf blower, shopped at Wal-Mart or who believed that Budweiser, Coors and Miller were really beer. Year after year he wondered if Tiger Woods ever really understood his millions came from the miserable conditions of women and children in Nike sweatshops, or whether Woods just didn’t care.

The decedent once summed up his lengthy legal career by stating he believed he had successfully functioned as a small but painful boil on the government’s ass.

A Catholic by birth and in a state of religious confusion thereafter, he was said to be to the right of the Curia in spiritual matters and to the left of Leon Trotsky in temporal affairs. He loved the Latin mass but never cared too much for your average Christian. He prided himself in being an embarrassment to his children to the very end although some believed his discovery that his sons wore pajamas, hastened his death.

He was ever-active in charitable works by writing checks to aid causes challenging the government. He was always working on his list of “The 100 Things That Lead to The Downfall of The Republic” but it is believed that people who watch wrestling and car races on TV, people who took Rush Limbaugh seriously, Jerry Springer and Michael Jackson fans were all he could ever list before he fell into despair. There was a great concern in his mind that all five groups were really one and the same. He believed the United States Incorporated was in fact The Great Satan and he always encouraged young people to emigrate.

Friends of the deceased are planning a wake and publication of a small book of his pithy comments entitled Confessions of a Neo-Luddite: It contains statements of truth & wisdom like, “Never eat spaghetti in a Greek joint, Ayn Rand really did cash her Social Security checks and you are not in good hands with either Allstate or the government.”

Mr. Wood’s remains were cremated, but before his body entered the furnace, middle-aged truck stop waitresses broke eggs on his chest or placed partially cooked sausages and bacon there. They admonished the crematorium to keep the flames low as the decedent liked his yolks a bit runny.

Prior to his demise, when asked what he would change if he had it to do all over again, he was torn between smoking dope and dying at birth.

Posthumously submitted,

Barry Wood, Esq. (Ret.)

 

 

 

 

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